Hello Mr. Crosby,
My name is D'Albey. I like hockey.
Do you like hockey?
That's the question I've been asking for the last month or so. I know you got into your first fight recently and that's neat and playing hockey in the snow was great. It's nice to see scrawny midgets stick up for themselves. But there's a problem.
See, you and Evgeni are supposed to be carrying my fantasy team to another title this season, only over the last couple of months you two have only been averaging a little more than a point per game...or so.
That's not good enough.
Superstars don't average "around" point per game.
Superstars do better than that, especially those expected to take the torch from Wayne Gretzky as the next Wayne Gretzky (which would probably collapse the universe considering how two Wayne's can't exist in the same place at the same time, but I digress...)
For all intents and purposes I had you pegged at 140 points this season. You aren't anywhere near that pace. Yeah, 100 points would be neat but that's what I expected Evgeni to get, not you.
You are supposed to get 140 points.
You cannot fail. No sir.
At this point I fully expected you to have cranked out a couple 6 or 8-point games, a few hat tricks and some other sparkly crap that would make other people in my fantasy leeg hate you even more than they already do.
But what I'm saying is that your team is on the edge of playoff contention, your goalie is hurt, and your coach is insane for always changing your line mates and you Sid, YOU are supposed to be the best thing since whippets. The guy who would rise above all of the clutching and grabbing and ping pong hockey and show the world why hockey is great!
Yet it says here most authorities don't consider you to be even the 4th best player in hockey right now. So that makes you, like, only the 5th best, huh?
For all intents and purposes you should be able to hover. HOVER!!!
So get to gettin' before I am forced to buy NASA diapers, hop in my car and track down your gravy fry lovin' Canadian ass and beat some sense into you like any decent older brother, hockey parent, or junior hockey bully should have already!
I expect only the best.
Thanks for your time.