Dear Coach Sacco,
After observing yesterday's bloodbath in San Jose I've decided to do what I can to help the Avalanche defeat the Sharks. No, I'm not offering up my services as a goaltender, the Avs are doing fine in that area. Besides, I would end up allowing 15 goals and would probably blow out my back and start swinging my stick at any Sharks player within ten feet of the parking lot.
Instead I've come up with a list of things that you can do to give the Avalanche the edge they need to defeat the #1 seed.
1. Use speed. No, I don't mean utilizing the speed of the Avalanche forwards. I mean literally give them speed. Trucker speed, and lots of it. They look tired. Some people may frown upon the use of illegal substances by NHL players, but if the report that recently came out in Sports Illustrated is true, the Capitals are full of something, and it isn't "spirit."
2. Use sugar. I know what you are thinking here, "if I give sugar to Duchene and O'Reilly they'll be bouncing off the walls like they're back in romper room." I don't mean using sugar like that. I think you should consider putting it in the gas tanks of every San Jose player so that they have trouble making it to the games. Your first target should be the Trans AM that I imagine Joe Pavelski owning. Don't worry about putting any in Joe Thornton's tank. He hasn't made it to any games yet.
3. Hire Bob Probert. I'm sure Bob isn't up to anything anyways, and he would be a nice counter to The Human Rectangle, Doug Murray. Just give him a cue ball in a sock, and let him roam free. He could also provide you with the "speed" I mentioned in suggestion #1. Wink-wink.
4. Fix the refs. This should be seriously considered. The Sharks have been given over twice as many power plays by the officials so far and it is obvious San Jose sent a little grease in their direction. Find out what they paid and outbid them. I'm sick of watching the Avalanche go on the penalty kill in the first minute of every game.
5. Summon the Dark Lord. I realize you are probably a God fearing man, but if Satan is anything like the axe wielding Satan in Guitar Hero then he at very least will rock out the locker room and provide some entertainment. The boys don't appear to be having any fun anymore. They have burned up all the "house money" they have been playing with, and kind of look like they want to go home. Even Craig Anderson is frustrated, and he's more easy going than a stoned Beach Boy.
6. Bikini girls.
7. Stop allowing San Jose to walk into your zone. Okay this is nuts. NUTS! But just listen for a minute. I'm not sure if you are trying to run the trap or not. After watching Craig Anderson get pelted this season I'm not sure if sure if you are running any sort of defensive system at all. But what I do know is that your team has nothing to lose, and it might behoove them to prevent San Jose from crossing the blue line untouched. I know. It's crazy, but give it a try. Also, tell the guys to shoot the puck at the net, and not at the corners, or the boards, or the glass, or the fans. In the last three days Dan Boyle has put more shots in on Evgeni Nabokov than the Avalanche have.
That's all I have for now. Please seriously consider my suggestions.
I swear I'm not crazy!