Sunday, October 26, 2008

Four games at once?! You betcha, guy!

My how things can change. In this space, about this time last week, I was just hoping the Avalanche could win a game before Christmas. Now? It seems all the Avalanche need to go on a Cup run is a decent goalie.
I considered cranking out an article about how the Avs are the Sabres of the Western Conference: Lots of flash and dash but lacking enough substance to go anywhere. Hooray for cynical hockey writing!

I needed to readjust and start enjoying this sport again. That and burn out the cartilage in my wrists. You think nailing together a one game commentary is tough? Try four games at once. Yep, I have settled down for a 1 hour burn through four games in an attempt to gain some enlightenment.

Remember; pour beer down center to release carbonation and aroma.


The games on tap appear to be:

Game 1- Pens-Rangers from MSG
Game 2- Canes-Isles from Nassau Coliseum
Game 3- Boston-Atlanta in Beantown
Game 4-Ducks-Habs at the Bell Centre

Lord. All potentially fast moving East coast games. I may need to hire a court reporter to do my typing.

Game 1- 2 minutes in…
The Rangers look at bit slow coming into this game. It’s just a theory but the Blueshirts might be hungover. Fortunately with the cooler weather the urine stink at the top on MSG around the concessions should be under control. So they have that going for them.

Game 2- 2 minutes in…
Canes and Isles…Canes and Isles…
I’ll make a bit of a wager here. The only way the Isles win this is if Rick DiPietro somehow inherited bionic hips last week.

The tech folks just flashed up the Sutter family tree to illustrate just how many Sutters have played in the NHL. With Brandon Sutter hammering out ice time on the Canes the number now stands somewhere in the area of 36.
That family has definitely staked their legacy as the Von Traps of hockey. The Granatos better step it up!

Game 3- 2 minutes in…

Manny Fernandez is facing Johan Hedberg. With that in mind the final score here should be somewhere in the area of 13-10, with Jason Elam kicking the winning field goal in overtime.

Oooh! 20 seconds in and Todd White gets rung up for charging, and Atlanta is fired up!

Every time Boston plays a game I fully expect Adam Sandler to rush the ice and start punching opposing players. It’s like, a dream of mine.

Game 4- 2:40 in…

GOAL by Kent Huskins.

The Ducks roster clearly states that Kent plays for Anaheim. Okay then. George Parros nailed down an assist on that one. I keep trying to figure out if in another life Parros with that ‘stache was an adult film star or a gold prospector. I’m thinking the latter. He strikes me as the kind of person who gets interviewed by local news people right after his secluded cabin in the mountains gets washed out by a flash flood.

5:41 in and here we go again! Getzlaf with the goal.

That guy is a hoss. I spent all last season talking smack to the people in my fantasy league about how he might not be a great fantasy player. It was a ruse that failed miserably, and I never got him on my team. I missed again this year. Maybe next year I can get yahoo to somehow cloak Getzlaf in their player rankings so I can quietly steal him.

Game 2-

The announcers are talking about “This Brendan Witt situation”
Did I miss something? He’s out with an injury. What is he now on the roof of Nassau naked and swinging a chain?! I’m concerned. You know things are going badly for your hockey team when you have a Brendan Witt situation.

8:49 in…Brindy with a nifty goal past a swimming DiPi.

When the Canes won the Cup I made fun of him for kind of looking like Frankenstein. I’d like to retract that. He’s only partially robotic. The rest of Rod Brind'Amour is 100% human. Sorry.

Game 1- 9:04 in…Darryl Sydor with a goal

Okay really. The Pens defensive situation is horrible enough that Sydor has stepped in for Gonchar and Whitney while sharing the ice with rookies like Alex Goligoski. Nice goal by Darryl though. It seems like he went from fantasy hockey darling to “he’s still playing?” in a short span of time…and yet somehow Martin Skoula played on a defensively minded team (Minnesota) whilst Darryl was maligned. Hockey doesn’t make sense sometimes.

Here’s an uplifting commercial:

“That’s Dan. And I’m Dan’s pancreatic cancer…”

Hello Dan’s pancreatic cancer! I’m Aaron’s inability to put up with commercials reminding me about cancer. Would you mind paying royalties to Chuck Palahniuk for stealing his literary devices? I think Tyler Durden might like to have a word with you.

Game 3- Back to Beantown…

“Colby Armstrong and Erik Christensen are the remainder of Marian Hossa”

Gotta love that kind of division by the announcers. Do you think that’s how the Hossa trade went down for Atlanta GM Don Waddell?

“Well we traded Dany Heatley for Hossa. That was a pretty fair trade. But now you want me to trade Hossa for Armstrong and Christensen? Okay let’s think this over. I’d say Armstrong is like 50% of Marian Hossa…IF one considers his atomic composition. He might be solid gold. From what I understand Christensen could be like, 48% polonium, but we are waiting on the geologic reports. But…Angelo Esposito could be 100% dynamite! Okay, let’s do this!”

15:03 in…goal by Jason Williams.

Exactly how many Williamses are there in this league? 50? Or is there only one Williams and he’s been passed around from team to team? I’m confused. Is he the same brand as Jon Sim 4.0?

19:94 in …Mathieu Schneider goal.

Let’s wrap this up. My wrists are frozen. Seriously. I could like, chop though stuff. Like wood! Or…or wood! Wait, I said that already…

Game 4- Don Cherry

I gotta say this. Can the NFL please stop stealing ideas and traditions from the NHL? There is no Football Night in America! There just isn’t. There was once Sunday Night Football. It should have remained Sunday Night Football. IT WAS FINE! Have some friggin’ respect and come up with your own ideas.

I’m waiting for Don Cherry to snap, travel south, and beat the hell out of Bob Costas. You know, for the kids.

Cherry by the way is sporting a lavender suit. Yep. Lavender. Nothing says “don’t screw with the old guy” quite like a lavender suit.

I like to think that his early period with the Colorado Rockies was more of a developmental stage wherein he was more introspective in nature. So much plaid… It wasn’t until he moved on to Coach’s Corner that I feel he was able to blossom as an artist, and let his true colors, as it were, shine through. These are the greatest days of what can be referred to as the Late Cherry Era, which has featured collectors fighting for every new work. Every scrap of history produced by the legend. He is history…and history is Don Cherry.

Remember that kids.

No comments: