This Just In!

In light of the behind the scenes debate that is occurring amongst Avalanche faithful in regards to the impending trade of Ilya Kovalchuk I feel I need to address a few issues on the matter...wait.

This just in!

Kovalchuk has been moved to the Boston Bruins in exchange for David Krejci, Milan Lucic, and David Ortiz's "medicine" cabinet.

Wow! That's a lot of "medicine!"

No, no. That was a rumor. Take a deep breath and step away from the TSN.

Where were we? Oh yes. In a season that nobody saw coming, where Avalanche find themselves in playoff contention despite being woefully weak at left wing and slow on defense, reigning in Ilya Kovalchuk in his prime would make absolutely no sense. The team needs to develop and is still in a rebuilding mode despite shocking the hockey world....wait.

Hold the phone! This just in!

Kovalchuk has been traded to the Calgary Flames for Jarome Iginla, Robin Reghyr, five of any 36 Sutter children, and Lanny McDonald.

Incredible! Lanny's back!

Oops! No, that was another rumor. Damn you Wikipedia!

Everyone should calm down! In no way should the Avalanche consider making a move including any of the underperforming forwards they do have, like Wojtek Wolski, in exchange for a world class left wing which would fill a gaping void in their offense that players like Wolski have failed to fill at all adequately. No siree! Wait...

This just in!

Kovalchuk has been traded to New Jersey in exchange for Travis Zajac, Niclas Bergfors, and two cases of Axe Body Spray.

Interesting. Jersey has plenty of Axe to give, but Zajac?

Oh no. Another rumor. Why do you meddle with me hockey gods?!

Back to the logic. The Avalanche don't need anyone to vault them into the upper echelon of hockey. They are cooking up something good I tells ya! We just have to wait for them to play longer together. Everyone is right. I am...WAIT!

Unbelievable! Ilya Kovalchuk is a King in exchange for Ryan Smyth, Wayne Simmonds, a truckload migrant agricultural workers, and a bushel of Acapulco Red.

Heavy man. Heavvvvyyyy!

Nononononono!!! GAH! Another rumor! Screw you Eklund!

Like I was saying. The Avalanche are a young team and bringing in a superstar is not something that needs to be done in order to invigorate the fan base. The fans can wait, they are plenty busy still complaining about the Broncos. A top line of Kovalchuk-Stastny-Stewart, would not make them want to watch any more than they already do....WAIT!

THIS JUST IN!!!!